Teen drinking is a problem. A delicious problem.

“Have you heard that children are choking each other in order to get high?””Did you hear about the Johnson’s kid? She’s in hospital from trying to smoke a packet of Smarties!”

“And don’t even get me started on Starbursts!”

Teenagers these days. It seems you can’t switch on the news without being alerted to some revolutionary and downright dangerous way that underage teens are getting their buzz on. Through previous years, i’ve sat silent witness to accusations of Skittling, Eyeballing, Tamponing (you heard me), Gummy Bear-ing and just about every other “-ing” word you can think of. The only problem was… Err…Where was I when all this was happening?

Not that i’m particularly jealous of the gangs of 14 year olds roaming the streets, who can apparently get high utilising just about any household object – It’s just that it’s kind of suspicious that the same generation of kids whom the media would have us believe can barely recite the alphabet without a team of highly specialised teaching assistants on hand, can basically make a meth dungeon in their parent’s basement using only ten feet of rubber piping and a Tickle Me Elmo circa 1990’s.

The main jist of any teenage intoxication trend seems to be a) Putting alcohol everywhere except the mouth, or b) Putting everything except alcohol into the mouth. Here are some examples,

1. Alcohol infused sweeties: That’s right. Some kids are soaking jelly sweets in various alcoholic beverages and then chowing down like there’s no tomorrow. According to several sources, the benefits of doing such a thing are as follows; They can do it in public, and it gets kids hooked early – Because, after all, these children only need access to cheap sweets, an instructional video (Such as can be found on YouTube) and… Alcohol. Yep. Sorry, was I the only teenager in the world who managed to get my hands on hard liqour for the first time and didn’t immediately log onto the internet in order to find out how to make a delicious treat? Nope. I drank the thing, got sick, and vowed never to drink whiskey again. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is called a learning curve. Also, just where are these teenagers getting liquour from? And just how many sweets do you have to eat to get any kind of effect? Nope, i’m calling shenanigans on this one. I think it’s just a conspiracy started by dentists to stop parents from letting their kids eat jelly babies.

2. Alcohol soaked… Things in… Umm… Places: I’m not going to go too far into this one because the whole thing just gives me the heebie-jeebies, but let’s put it like this: You’re a young teen. You’ve been peer pressured into drinking by your leather-jacket wearing friends with gelled back hair (You also live in the eighties, apparently). You don’t want your parents smelling the booze on your breath though, do you? Why, your dad would take your Grifter away from you quick as a snap! So, somebody comes up with a solution. An obvious solution. An obvious, gross solution that nobody in their right mind would ever agree to, nor do I believe it would actually work.

“Hey, Biff. You want a sip of hooch?”

“Sure thing, Cliff. But what about my parents?”

“Don’t worry. Miff came up with an awesome solution!”

“What solution?”

-Miff emerges from the alleyway, carrying a packet of tampons and a bottle of vodka-

“Whuh-oh!”

Yeah. Apparently the benefits of “tamponing” are that you can’t smell the alcohol on the breath, and because of the… Point of contact, as it were, you get drunk quicker. Apparently. Never have I ever met a kid that desperate to get drunk. Next.

3. Purple Drank: I’m just including this one because… Let’s face it, it’s kind of just a tiny bit hilarious. Now, I would never condone underage drinking, but the idea of a 13 year old strutting around a party carrying a golden goblet of Purple Drank just gives me the giggles. Who knows, this could actually be one of the more feasible rumours. If you are not aware, Purple Drank (or Drink, if you want to get technical), is a sort of concotion made famous by the American rapping community consisting mainly of cough syrup, soda and sweets. Yep, sweets again. These are all things that kids could get their hands on, although, I have no idea what kind of benefit this could have over just drinking the booze straight. I guess i’m not cool enough.

There are plenty more. Bathsalts, choking each other, huffing just about everything under the sun… The question is, should we believe it? I can’t come to any firm conclusions myself, as I can only take scenarios from my own teenage years, and I was in the reading club so it wasn’t exactly party central back then. The only solid advice I can give to kids and adults alike is to not make such a big deal out of drinking. The more a child is made to feel like something is forbidden and dangerous, the more likely they are to try and get their hands on it. If your kid starts asking about what alcohol tastes like, let them take a sip – Just make sure to let them sip a bitter larger or dry wine. Keep the tasty drinks a secret until they hit legal age. Trust me, they won’t be asking again for a while.

And make sure to keep count of your tampons.