For each snack you deny me, one more of your possessions gets sneezed on!
Like many others in Britain this week, I have been laid up with a particularly irritating summer cold. Despite my best attempts at coughing melodramatically, and taking my temperature every five minutes to try to convince my not-so-sympathetic family that I have in fact come down with a dangerous case of dog-flu or “Crazy Emu Fever”, I have been assured time and time again that it is just a cold. As I know that so many people have been afflicted by this annoying infection, an infection, may I add, that doesn’t even get you a shot of free drugs from the NHS, I decided to write a handy little list on how to conquer the common cold.1. Lemsips, baby. Nectar of the Gods. I personally prefer the blackcurrant ones, but if you’re a honey and lemon kind of guy that’s fine too, except that by my calculations you’re probably a terrible person who enjoys the taste of hot citrus flavoured battery acid. If you don’t have Lemsips, just dope yourself up with whatever cold and flu capsules you find at your local supermarket/dark alleyway. Make sure to get the ones with the slippery casings though because, believe me, trying to swallow a rough-edged pill with a sore throat is enough to make even Gandhi want to punch a kitten in the face.
2. Set aside at least one day where you have nothing else to do to lie in bed surrounded by used tissues, watching Jeremy Kyle and eating toast. However, make sure to loudly hack up a bit of phlegm every now and again to remind all the healthy people downstairs that their beloved child/sibling/parent/friend/tenant is quite possibly dying of tuberculosis, and they better bring another round of toast up stat.
3. It’s been scientifically proven that video games cure any illness (Note: Not actually scientifically proven). So slip into your favourite track suit, stuff some tissue up your nose and get to fighting whatever evil creature that wants to take over the planet this time round. Just try not to yell too loudly at the tough bits; Your family will hear and assume that you’ve recovered, thus cutting off your snack supply.
4. Speaking of snack supply, don’t bother straining your voice when you want some attention or crisps. Just text an available adult or carer whenever you are in need of something. They’ll understand and probably won’t mind if you put enough cute emoticons at the end. For example, a favourite from my own personal collection, “My cold says it needs a sandwich and some chocolate or it will kill me. Please do as it says. Love from your only daughter (apart from the other one), Celia.”
5. Eat fruit and drink orange juice and get vitamins etc etc boring stuff boring stuff yadda yadda yadda.
I hope this article has given you some handy tips on how to beat that pesky summer cold, or, if you like, blackmail your family into making you delicious sandwiches. Really all you need to do is whine as much as possible. I often find a strong negative correlation between amount of whining and length of cold.
Personally, i’m trying to keep mine as long as I can. Those sandwiches aren’t going to make themselves.