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Game of Thrones: Guide for Dummies, Chapter 1

Meanwhile, across the sea away from King Robert’s rule, Viserys is marrying his little sister off to the King of a Dothraki hoard (basically murderous savages) so that they’ll fight for him and he’ll win the crown that has been ‘wrongfully’ stolen from him. Daenerys does not want to marry the terrifying Khal Drogo and is miserable in her extremely graphic and upsetting marriage. However, she eventually respects the Dothraki culture and falls very much in love with her husband (as do we) whilst Viserys remains an ignorant, cruel moron. Drogo ends up emptying a bowl of molten gold over his head as Dany watches, unflinching. We don’t miss him.

Back in King’s Landing Ned is following Jon Arryn’s last moments on this earth to work out who would have wanted to kill him and why. He realises that Jon was tracking down King Robert’s bastard children that are littering the city and notes that King Robert’s ancestors ALL had black hair, as does Robert. But…WEIRD…Robert’s children with the Queen are little blonde angels like Cersei…and her twin brother…(you thinking what Ned’s thinking?) Before Ned gets a chance to tell Robert that his true-born kids are actually products of incest, Robert is skewered by a pig on a hunting trip and Ned doesn’t have the heart to tell him on his deathbed. Instead he quickly tries to give Stannis Baratheon (Robert’s technical heir) the throne but sadly Cersei, with the help of the crafty Petyr Baelish, gains the upper hand and sticks Ned in the dungeons.

WHAT? NED IS IN JAIL? The eldest Stark, Robb, is not best pleased. He decides to march to war to sort out Cersei Lannister and her newly crowned son Joffrey (we HATE him. HATE HIM). Sansa is seriously upset as well, but she properly loves Joffrey and is sure that he’ll listen to reason if she pleads for her father on his behalf. Arya, being the smarter one, does a bunk and hides out in the naff bit of King’s Landing until it all blows over. Robb has to deal with a shed load of stuff on the way to war, including promising to marry a girl so that he’ll be able to take his army across a bridge. It’s a tough break, finger’s crossed he keeps his word.

Tyrion has also had some problems. Catelyn Stark discovers that the knife used for the attempt on Bran’s life originally belonged to Tyrion, and after a chance encounter Catelyn has Tyrion arrested in a fairly awesome scene. After some drama, and some laughs, Tyrion gets off scot-free (he genuinely had nothing to do with it to be fair), makes friends with some gruff-looking tribesmen and joins his father in the war that is now being waged against Robb Stark and Stannis Baratheon. (Keep count of the Kings, it becomes fairly important in season 2). Robb Stark has managed to capture Jaime Lannister (Woohoo!) and plans to trade him for his father and sisters. It would have all worked out fairly well if Joffrey didn’t have Ned beheaded.

Yeah, you read right. Our protagonist, the moral focal point of entire series, war hero and the only 100% honourable character Ned Stark dies HORRIBLY after pleading guilty to save his daughter’s at the hands of a total little sh-…King Joffrey. Everyone is fairly devastated, especially poor Arya who watches from the crowd and is picked up by her father’s last friend who promises to take her back to Winterfell. Sansa remains stuck in King’s Landing and is totally mentally and physically abused by Joffrey. Not good.

Dany is also not having the best time. Although she was preggers and it was all going really well, with her hubby promising her the Throne and everything, after a nasty twist of fate she loses her baby and Drogo is left catatonic (it’s basically all this witches fault- I’m being brief). Dany kills Drogo to put him out of his misery and puts her dragon eggs (she has stone dragon eggs- did I not mention?) in his funeral pyre. Then she WALKS INTO IT HERSELF. No worries though, she’s totally fine and now has three baby dragons born out of the fire. She has become totally awesome in time for season 2.

Phew, I’m exhausted. Expect series 2 recap in time for series 3, which is based on supposedly the best book of the series.

I am EXCITED.

END OF SEASON ONE- WHERE ARE THEY NOW

  • Jon is at the Wall. He’s still not happy. 
  • Dany has baby dragons and EMPOWERMENT.
  • Ned is dead. Poor dead Ned. Ned has lost his head.
  • Catelyn is with Robb helping out with the war effort and having weighted conversations with captured Jaime Lannister.
  • Arya is travelling to Winterfell.
  • Sansa is stuck in King’s Landing as Joffrey’s human piñata 
  • Cersei has her son on the throne and is loving every second.
  • Tyrion is fighting wars with dad, being sarcastic every inch of the way. He also has a prostitute girlfriend.

Are you looking forward to series 3? Thoughts/comments/outrage at things I may have missed (a lot happens!) all welcome in comments below.

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