The UK’s capital is full of polite, happy, friendly people, LOL joke. But, the common misconception that Londoners are miserable simply isn’t true, it is instead usually just the people that inhabit London, a whole different kettle of fish. These ‘inhabiters’ consist of commuters, business men/women, tourists and in general, anyone that wakes up in the morning angry at the world. So to make everyones life a bit easier here is a guide to who you should look out for (and avoid) whilst on the tube.

1. The ‘very important’ business man

Business men are usually on such a massive power trip that they delude themselves in to thinking they thought of the idea of the tube system, created the tube system, all whilst funding every last development. Therefore when they look at you as if you’ve just punched their dog you have to just accept this as normal whilst bowing your head in shame. You will also have to squash yourself next to the door, ideally whilst getting your hair caught in them, that way the important man will have enough room for him and his brief case to stretch. After all you should just be grateful that he even allowed you to ride on his tube.

2. The anti-social bast*rd AKA everyone

There seems to be this secret game on the tube that I never seem to be part of, it’s called “stare at anything other than a human for the duration of the journey”. Now the people playing on their phones or reading a book/paper are excluded from this category, but anyone staring at the floor, pole or black window should be avoided at all costs. The reason for this being that these people are so against any kind of interaction with strangers that if you so much as glance in their direction they will not hesitate to take you to court and seek out a restraining order.

3. The junkie/smack head/alcoholic

Opposite to the ‘anti-social bast*rd’ you have the cheerful, friendly individual happily singing to themselves. Now in a place full of les miserables it’s easy to think, “oh they seem nice, I’ll talk to them”, trust me, DON’T… unless you want to be stabbed with a used syringe. The only time you should take an interest in these tube inhabiters is when you didn’t hear an important announcement, because you can trust that they will be repeating it, complaining about it and then repeating it again… all to themselves, of course.

4. The ‘misleader’

So finally you find yourself someone that looks delightfully normal, so you smile, you make small talk about the weather, you get off at your stop, the end. Not really. This could potentially be the worst individual to bump in to on the tube as they can take a FRIENDLY smile for something more, resulting in them thinking it’s ok to follow you off the tube. As this new found ‘friend’ hassles you for your number you quickly realise that this “delightfully normal looking human” is in fact a massive stalker/pest. Aint nobody got time for that.

5. Anybody in a rush

Last but not least always avoid anyone that seems to be late for something or in a rush. These people are dangerous, they dash past you almost knocking you out whilst attempting to board a train that’s long gone, they step on your toes whilst pushing in front of you and they will definitely push you in front of a train if it means getting to their destination quicker. Ok the last point may be a little dramatic, but the only way you will survive the tube is by avoiding these people… or by taking the bus.

FYI. if you’re currently thinking “I’ve never met anyone on the tube that fits in to any of them categories”, it’s because you fit in to one of those categories. Toodles.