Right, that’s it, I am hitting this diet hard. Yeah I know I said that last time, but I swear, this time I actually am. Every Sunday night, I sit down and say “right, tomorrow is when the diet begins…” I plan what kind of diet I think I’ll kickstart and then map out a little plan in my head of everything that I’ll eat and all the exercise I’ll do. I last until about Wednesday when someone asks if I fancy popping out for dinner that night, or if I want to meet them at the pub for a glass (ahem, bottle) of wine and some healthy snacks (ahem, chips). And that’s when it all goes downhill. I know what you’re thinking, what awful friends I must have to even consider asking me to go out and test my own willpower, of which I have none, but that’s just the kind of cruel social circles I move around in.
The problem is I really like food. I only need someone on TV to walk past a pizzeria and next thing I know, I’m face first in a deep pan double pepperoni. And because of this lack of willpower, I need a planned diet, none of this eat what you want in moderation, because in MY mind that means eating a SMALL portion of deep fried cheese covered in chocolate followed by half a burger and a single gin instead of a double. Everything in moderation, after all.
Some weeks I only make it to Monday evening. That’s usually when I find something in the fridge that’s due to go out of date, like an entire cheesecake or something, and my thought process goes something like this: “yeah, I’d better eat all of that or else waste £3.41. And in this economy, nobody can afford to do that. And after all, think of those starving kids in Africa who’d love nothing more than to chomp down on a cheesecake. And it’s got strawberry coulis on it, so that’s 1 of my 5 a day, right?”
Sadly, my mind cannot be taught to say no, unless the question is “would you rather eat this lettuce than this bar of chocolate?” And so, I cut things out, properly, or I only allow myself to eat a certain thing. My mind seems to react slightly better to restriction because I’m a simple being, and also because I quite like the routine it gets you in to.
I once did a diet where I ate steamed chicken and green beans for breakfast and spinach egg white omelette for dinner. I quite enjoyed that one actually, I can’t remember why I stopped. Oh yeah, because omelettes are nicer with the yolks and topped with cheese.
I then went on a soup, smoothie and salad diet. I made homemade soups, drank fresh juices and smoothies for breakfast and veggie salads every now and then. That was nice actually, those soups were really tasty. So were the salads. Why did I stop doing that one? Oh right, because salads are nicer with a side of fries.
After that, I did the Dukan Diet. The one that Carole Middleton lost about 2 stone in what seemed like a day in the lead up to Kate and Wills’ wedding. I liked that one. You just ate a load of steak and eggs. But why did I stop? Of course, because steak is nicer fried in butter and covered in creamy sauces.
In my mind, I just wonder why all of this delicious food has been created if not for me to shove it into my face? And so, that’s pretty much what I do. But not this time. No way. I had a pro-biotic yogurt for breakfast and a green tea, now that shows that I mean business. At this rate, I’ll be a size 8 by Wednesday.