What you learned in school was true: girls’ bits are different to boys’ bits and using ‘bone’ as a verb upsets people over 50. This knowledge has set you up tidily for adult life and you’re now basking in the radiant glory of your successes. Right? Maybe. In the event that you’re not, it may be worth stepping back to take stock. To consider where you are, get your Darwin on and consider where you came from. How did that tapestry of acne in the corner evolve into the perfect specimen that you admire in the mirror each morning? In the name of human progress, we dig up your sordid past to unravel the five greatest predicaments of modern life.

1: HOW THE HELL DID I SPEND THAT MUCH LAST NIGHT?!?

Overview

A classic scenario, most commonly brought about by shoddy planning, an itchy cashpoint finger or a post-beer tendency to think you’re P. Diddy. Remember that spending proficiency is inversely proportional to sobriety – as one goes up, the other goes down – so stay true to yourself and your financial limits. Cheating on your bank balance with three different bottles of bubbly is never cool, regardless of how unpronounceable their names are.

Origins

Masquerading as a form of generosity, splashing the cash most likely stems from insecurity and a desire to be liked and appreciated by your peers. At the time, all seems well and good. However, when the cold light of day hits home, you realise you’ve burned through more green stuff than a forest fire. The earliest precursors to such excessive benevolence could lie in any of these adolescent scenarios:

• Always supersizing your buddy’s fries for him.
• Embezzlement of your lunch money to fund the purchase of those goalkeeper gloves.
• Giving 100% when doing a mate’s homework for him.

2: ‘MY BUDDY’ IS ONLY INTERESTED IN REALLY HOT GIRLS.

Overview

Welcome to ‘grass is greener’ syndrome at its most misleadingly brutal. Shamefully surfing the fine line between aspiration and delusion, this is a tragic state of mind that should be avoided at all costs. However, if the desire to land a cover model runs deep, look at the facts: simple observation proves that as a guy, you don’t need a huge stack of aesthetic capital to be stepping out with a stunner. If anything, it’s about decency, strength of character and charisma. Although if all you’re interested in is appearance, it may actually be worth giving your own values a serious once over before making any moves.

Origins

Gladiators and Baywatch have a lot to answer for here. But rest assured, the feelings you harboured for Jet and Erika Eleniak were, and still are, ‘perfectly natural’.

 3: I’M HAVING A SERIOUS CASE OF THE GOLLUMS…

Overview

Bond film marathon? Kick to the man sacks? One of those dreams where you can’t run away? Even these most immobilising of scenarios can’t hold a candle to that nagging inner voice that nibbles away at the foundations of your self-improvement plan and stops you moving on. Have faith though, for this is a product of basic survival extinct, a manifestation of the ‘fight or flight’ response to danger. If moderated, this is a powerful ally that enables you to assess risk/reward ratios and evaluate courses of action. It only becomes a problem when the fear of failure crushes the will to succeed, or if you find yourself wandering around mountainous regions eating raw fish in the buff.

Origins

It’s likely that this is a complicated little blighter with a shady past. Social interactions in our younger years will have helped shape our self-image and establish the boundaries of what we consider achievable or impossible. Don’t forget Mum and Dad too; what the ‘rents said in response to your childhood career goal of ‘Terminator’ is likely to have stayed with you, as is the level of support they offered during challenging times. To tame this beast, stand back and try to be objective about the situation at hand. Running things by a trusted (and preferably sober) chum is also a winner.

4: HOW MANY OPTIONS ARE THERE ON THIS NEW XBOX THINGY?!? THIS IS 16-BIT RIGHT?

Overview

It’s a widely accepted notion that the choice between ‘New Recruit’, ‘Gunnery Sergeant’ and ‘Mega Hard-Ass’ won’t determine the socio-economic future of the developing world. Nonetheless, the impact of a barrage of needless options on a work weary man simply wanting to decapitate a Zombie postman with a hacksaw is not something to be sniffed at. Compounding the confusion is the fact that the ten year old ginger girl from next door knows exactly what to select and how to get the game up and running. Blame technology. Blame consumerism. Blame yourself for flogging your old Atari.

Origins

The chance of modern gaming holding up its lanyard-wrapped hands to admit that things are out of control is pretty slim. What’s that? You’re still struggling with Green Hill Zone Level 2? Let’s contextualise things: you spent your formative gaming years trying to decide between ‘1 player’ and ‘2 player’ while tripping over a cat’s cradle of controller wires like you were in a technophobic Laurel & Hardy sketch. How could you ever expect to kick it in the world of Halo? Get with the programme or respawn, fool.

5: HOW DO I KNOW WHICH WHEELIE BIN IT GOES IN?

Overview

Gone are the days of ogling the sole metal can next to the shed in the hope that Oscar The Grouch might emerge. Rubbish disposal is now a rigorous exercise in deduction that’s been doing the rounds since the local council went all Captain Planet on your ass. What used to be a speedy, pants only dash to the end of the garden has now become a nerve shredding Crystal Maze game – minus the cool tracksuit. Don’t be too hard on yourself with this one; even the bravest will admit to a nervous glance over the shoulder as they finally commit their lasagne packaging to ‘the blue one’.

Origins

If you find yourself buckling under the pressure, try to overcome your indecisiveness by tracing its routes. Did playground team selection leave you gagging for the lottery of ‘Ip Dip…’ rather than the pressure of ‘Pickers’? If so, you could be dealing with a lack of confidence and a fear of responsibility. Remember that the most important thing in any testing situation is to have faith in yourself and make your choice based on the available information. Deciding where to lob your rubbish is no different. Your bin colours may offer subtle clues and you might be able to make some sense of the sketchy information printed on the side. Although, if you’re both illiterate and colour blind, your number’s up.

Copyright Lee Smith 2013