Having to commute to and from work is the worst part of my day, especially the part of the journey that requires me to use the London Underground. I don’t think I’ve actually enjoyed one commute, which says a lot about the general public. Or perhaps my general grumpiness. We’ll go with general public for now though. Having endured many unpleasant experiences, I have compiled a list of the worst kinds of people I have come across. If you fall into any of these categories, just know that I hate you. As does every other passenger on board your carriage.
The Will.I.Am Wannabes
Why do people feel the need to stand in a cramped carriage, filled with irritated commuters, and blast their music as loud as they can? The whole point of earphones is to privately listen to music, without having to annoy the people around you. Do you not think that if these people, who are now scowling at you, wanted to enjoy a merry tune on the way to work they’d invest in their own personal music system? We don’t want to hear you blast out Enrique Iglesias’ ‘Hero’ at 8am in the morning, thank you very much.
The Hand Touchers
Normal people enjoy their personal space, only allowing their loved ones up close and personal. You, No-Boundaries Brenda, do not fall into that category. I don’t understand how people manage to literally encase your hand with their own grubby and sweaty palm, when there is a whole pole to choose from! That pole stretches a long way, you don’t need to touch somebody else in order to place yourself on there.
The Leg Spreaders
Here we meet No-Boundaries Brenda’s Husband, Ignorant Ian. He likes to sit on the tube and spread his legs out as far as he can, even if it means putting his foot inside another commuter’s mouth. Just because you have lanky legs, doesn’t mean you need to fan them out. Nor does engaging in this make your penis look any bigger than the four inches it currently measures. Just saying. Each tube seat has an allotted amount of space, which was allocated for a reason.
The Darth Vaders
May the disgusting morning breath be with you. There’s no excuse for standing slap-bang up against another commuter and breathing into their face. I, and any other person with a gag reflex, do not want to smell a combination of breakfast, coffee and toothpaste. The next thing you know, they’re coughing all over your disgusted self and probably infecting you with some form of germ. In the words of Hocus Pocus, why don’t you learn to breathe through your nose?
The Pushers
Look guys, nobody is going to get on quicker if you’re bumbling around and pushing into peoples’ backs. The reason people are waiting to get on is, believe it or not, because other people are vacating the carriage. I don’t want to feel your laptop case, bag or god knows what else pushing into my legs. More importantly, you don’t need to tread all over my feet. It isn’t going to make me move quicker. In fact, it’s only going to make me punch you in the face.
The Dangerous Hunchbacks
I’m not actually talking about Quasimodo and his family. I’m referring to those people who hold onto their backpacks for dear life. You’re doing a two-strap thing, that’s fine when you’re in a wide open space. However refusing to remove your bag from your back only causes injuries to people stood in the vicinity. Whilst you’re frantically looking around to see which tube stop you’re at, your bag is bashing people in the face. People aren’t going to think you have a bomb in there if you kindly decide to put it at your feet. Nor are they going to try and rob you for all you’re worth.
The Wheelers
These people use those wheelie suitcases, which I can’t comprehend. It’s understandable if you’re jetting off to a tropical destination, however I don’t think the sights of Clapham Junction warrant for such a title. Do you really need to bring so much to work with you? If so, fair enough. Whatever floats your boat and all. If you do choose to pack everything but your kitchen sink for the long journey to work, please refrain from running over peoples’ feet. They are attached to the human body and do hurt when wheeled over. Go figure.
The Clans Of Devil Worshipers
There are always those tourists who act like they’ve never experienced public transport before. I’m always the lucky person who gets sandwiched in between them all, whilst they shout and scream at how people should “mind the gap”. Among their Devil Worshiping of the London Underground, they actually forget their human sacrifice in the middle of them needs to get off at this stop. “Excuse me!” “Move!” does not even penetrate their overly excited mind either. Please be considerate of people who do use this system every day, as they do not share your enthusiasm and really need to get to work.