We’ve all been there. There’s no point denying it. If you’re female and enjoy the occasional heavy drinking binge, you are likely to have fallen into the 7 deadly stages of the female drunkard.

It was somewhat of an experience similar to Alice through the Looking Glass when I recently observed fellow females fall about in their high heels and dignity-diminishing tight fit dresses. I’d never appreciated before how absurd we truly are after a few vodka-cranberries, and I now have a great deal more respect for any boyfriend that has been in my company during these evenings of debauchery.

I’ve managed to narrow down the stages into 7 main categories, but of course cases vary. Some stages listed may be slightly more extreme in some girls than in others, particularly when it comes to seduction techniques or weeping in a corner. Generally, most girls fall into the same pattern so I will describe what I saw from my newly discovered outsider’s perspective.

The Chatty Stage:

Alcohol is known as a social lubricant for good reason. It can turn a room full of strangers into the best of friends for a number of hours, and can create solid bonds between clubbers that only see each other several Friday nights a year. When mingling in a new social environment, the first few drinks get the conversation going about jobs, mutual friends, television, or anything else uncomplicated and lowbrow. Girls are particularly good at the chat, and can go on and on with someone they barely know in a corner about pretty much anything. Just don’t expect them to have any idea what your name is afterwards.

The “I love you” Stage:

After knocking back a few more shots, the party is in full swing. The girl drunkards are tottering around, plastering kisses on the cheeks of pretty much anyone they know, particularly ones they met that night and letting them know how they are “amazeballs”. The drink has filled them full of love and they can’t wait to have a dance with their newly made chums. The night has just begun, and the girl drunks are loving life.

The “WOOO” Stage:

This stage is the one which involves pretty much everything from dancing on the tops of tables, to buying lollypops from the toilet attendants and informing everyone in the club about it. This, from a first hand point of view is the blurry part of the night, where things happen that you just might not be able to remember the next day. Third hand it’s quite difficult to decipher as well, as girl drunkards are not making a great deal of sense by this point and like to verbalise their thoughts rather quickly.

The “I need a cigarette” Stage:

Typically had by non-smokers, the “I need a cigarette” stage is short lived and generally unsuccessful. It is usually coupled with some sort of statement regarding how they haven’t smoked in 3 years or something similar. The craving usually wears off when the drunken girl in question finds out that random people in a club that are likely to give away one of their few remaining cigarettes to the inebriated girl with the smudged mascara are seldom found.

The horny stage:

Stages 4 and 5 can often be swapped, when the lack of sexual attention leads to girls seeking an alternative thrill in nicotine. Usually though, the randy-ness arrives later on in the evening, either with an unfortunate love interest of the moment or with the dregs of the male clubbing population, ie: whatever guys are still hanging around.

The miserable stage:

Often found after many unsuccessful lunges towards the selected male, the tears start to fall.  Dejected and intoxicated girls are scattered around the club, occupying every corner to sob in. This is until a fellow friend suggests cheesy chips, which then leads to…

The hungry stage:

After countless drinks, including the dreaded VKs, there is nothing that can come between a drunk girl and her takeaway food. No man is of any interest any more. All she desires now is something greasy (no, still not a man) and her bed.

So there we have it. Every night out rounded up into 7 easy to distinguish stages, each with the potential to wreck anyone’s evening. Some girls may experience the stages in fast forward, being in bed by 11 accompanied by a sick bucket. Others may party on with the “WOOO” stage for hours on end. One thing is for sure though, we are all a complete embarrassment to our friends and when we pick up the wine, dignity is a thing of the past. Still, no amount of sweaty Facebook photos or walks of shame will stop us, and I wouldn’t change us for the world.