I hate fashion! I hate being told what clothes are ‘last season’ and what are this season’s ‘must-haves’. I can never keep up with what colours are the ‘new black’,  and the word ‘fashionista’ makes me want to hurl my non-labelled, so last season shoes at anybody who claims to be one. All women want to look nice and attractive, but at my age clothes just need to fit, smell clean and allow me easy access when I need the loo. I have clothes in my wardrobe that are older than my children, and I’m just happy that I can still fit in them.

I hate celebrity mums who make the rest of us look like bag ladies. I know Kate Moss and Coleen Rooney still look super fashionable after having their children, but how often do you see them dashing round, trying to get their kids ready for the school run? How often do you see Victoria Beckham rugby tackling Harper into her car seat because Harper wants to stay at home and watch Mr Tumble, instead of going to nursery. When you see Myleene Klass doing the school run it’s a plot to advertise her new must-have collection. Myleene and her kids are always dressed from head to toe in her own fashion label, and she would have the lollipop lady wearing one of her ‘signature pieces’ if she could get it approved by the local Council.

I hate how keeping up with fashion trends makes me feel rubbish. Why is it if I’m caught rummaging through the racks of a charity shop, I feel embarrassed, yet if I’m caught doing the same thing in a Vintage or Retro shop, I’m being stylish or ‘on trend’.  Don’t both shops sell the same used, smelly, mouldy items? I hate how fashion dictates what we should be wearing or not wearing. A recent survey has advised that women over thirty shouldn’t be wearing crop tops or dungarees. My 35 year old body is telling me not to wear crop tops and dungarees, but I still don’t need a fashionista telling me what else I’m too old to wear.

I hate fashion  magazines that you need a loan to purchase, or a second loan to buy one of the fashion items they are suggesting you need this season. I hate the catwalk or pretentious runway shows. I know they are supposed to be arty, inspiring and innovative, but the models just look miserable and uncomfortable. The celebrities in the audience look even more depressed, and I feel like taking Prozac just looking at the ridiculous clothes, which I know I am too old, too large and too uncool to ever wear.

I hate fashion and I don’t care if my entire wardrobe has committed a fashion faux pas. I don’t want to see any more oversized, overpriced handbags, ridiculous articles about who wore it best, spoilt children who have dummies that cost more than my car, glasses that you can’t even see out of or that have no lenses in. I don’t want to be told that Carol Vorderman is the style ambassador for my age group. I don’t want to see ridiculous articles about ‘Five of the best flip-flops’. How many different styles of flip-flops can you get before they become a different form of footwear?

This season, I’m just going to do what I do every year- wear what I want, because I know my wardrobe will never go out of fashion, because it was never in fashion to begin with. Anyway, who really wants to be fashionable – being on trend is so last season…..