10 predictions for the new football season

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1. David Moyes’ attempts to rebrand ‘Fergie Time’ go up in smoke as all United’s matches finish ten minutes early and there isn’t enough time at half-time for even a Tunnock’s tea cake.

 

2. Mourinho spends so much time winding up and taking the mickey out of every other manager in the league that he forgets to pick the team each week and Emenalo takes over resulting in a 100% win record after his first ten games.

 

3. Gareth Bale signs for Real Madrid for £100,000,001 but his reign as most expensive player is short lived as Arsenal buy Luis Suarez from Liverpool for £100,000,002. On his debut Suarez gets sent off and banned after a prolonged attempt at kiss chase with Fernando Torres ends up with Torres suffering from cooties.

 

4. Sheikh Mansour sells Manchester City after complaining of unfair financial doping by french clubs Paris St Germain and Monaco. His friend Roman Abramovich reveals cost cutting plans at Chelsea as he is down to his last 5 billion. Gladys the tea lady is the main casualty.

 

5. Andy Carroll cuts off his ponytail and gains that extra yard of pace that turns him into a world class striker for club and country. In a further twist, he shaves all his hair off to prepare for the forthcoming world cup only to be tragically injured come the tournament after suffering third degree burns on his head from a pre tournament holiday in Aberdeen.

 

6. Neymar and Lionel Messi decide to divide the pitch in half with neither player allowed to move into the others half. Messi draws the short straw by picking the oppositions half every game, but goes on to become the Europe’s leading defender. He is later quoted as saying he “just loves a tackle.”

 

7. It’s finally Liverpool’s year.

 

8. Pep Guardiola’s Bayern end the season unbeaten but lose the title on goal difference after scoring no more than one goal in every single match they play. George Graham is revealed as Pep’s secret tactical mentor.

 

9. Abby Wambach is Arsenal’s only summer signing after agreeing to learn french. Although failing to become the next Henry, Wambach ends the season as Arsenal’s top scorer. Arsene Wenger retires at Christmas to be replaced by Hope Powell and the Arsenal ladies swap leagues with the mens team. Despite disciplinary problems dogging the campaign resulting in a club record for red and yellow cards, Arsenal finish a respectable fifth.

10. After a year and more of protests at the cost of the world cup in Brazil all competitors decide just to play the tournament on Copacabana beach. Players and fans alike reconnect with their love of the game, players play with a smile on their face and opposing fans come together in harmony. The mood of optimism generated by the example of the footballers leads to an end to war in Syria, the opening up of North Korea’s borders and cancer deciding to just go away.

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