I am not the typical teen who ‘txts lyk dis’. My friends and I occasionally miss out the odd vowel or use phonetic spelling. However, my texts to my ‘m8s’ usually consist of phatic tokens, typical turn-taking and finally a validation.

I believe parents are the main culprits. The only people on my contact list that text me like an uneducated child are the two most educated people that I know; my parents! Mum usually texts me with ‘wt time r u hme?’ Dad is more of a full-stopper, ‘k.’ Even though you know they love you, that one dot sends a shock through your body and you suddenly think of anything that you might have done wrong. It’s heart attack material.

That ‘x’ at the end of a text is more reassuring than I initially thought. Of course, in face-to-face interaction you wouldn’t kiss someone after everything you said (that would be pretty absurd), so it can seem quite uncomfortable to those who over think it. But really, it’s just a friendly gesture. If you don’t put a kiss or a simple smiley at the end of your texts, I want to ask you why you want to put people in a ditch of doubt that they have done something horribly wrong to you… it’s just cruelty. This is a message to you, dad.

Parents need to learn the rules of texting. Along with them, so does that chavy texter in your contact list and your younger brother. Sometimes you will receive a text something like:

‘h2cus’ (have to see you soon) or ‘t2ul8r’ (talk to you later)

There is nothing more that you can do other than stare at the screen blankly for a good five minutes trying to make sense of it. On receiving a text like this, we all find ourselves googling away engrossed in the embarrassment that we have lost our young and hip edge.

It all really depends on who is on the receiving end.  You wouldn’t say ‘hello’ to your friend. It would probably be more like ‘you alright?’ or ‘How’s it going?’ But if you were to text your boss you would monitor your register, using a more formal tone with an appropriate opening and sign off and scanning through it a few times to triple check you have made no spelling mistakes.

Another rule is that you should only use auto correct if you read over your tweets or if you have no dignity. Auto correct is like when you’re in an awkward situation and you blurt something out without thinking. A bit like word vomit. But, instead of them being your own words, they are a machine’s result of trying to utilise telepathic skill to guess what you will say. Trust me, auto correct, you are really not that smart…

There is also a certain rule when it comes to the number of kisses. When I got a phone in year 7 I was taught a rule. One kiss meant you were friends, two kisses meant you liked them and three kisses meant you loved them. Luckily I did soon realise that this wasn’t true.

However, there is some meaning behind the number of kisses. Like I said earlier, giving one kiss at the end of a text is kind of the done thing. It is almost expected. Giving two kisses is OK depending on who the message is being sent to. You are not going to send your boss two, but you might send two to your colleagues. Three kisses just comes across as quite keen. It’s can either be taken as, ‘aww they’re being sweet’ or ‘woah hold on just a second!’ It’s a tricky business, but just copy their number of kisses, don’t try to outdo them!

So, don’t text like someone who has never been to school, like a keen blind date or under the auto correct settings and you should be fine.

Tlk2ul8r!