I Couldn’t Help But Wonder.. in Relationships, What are the Deal Breakers?*

Right, so in order to distract myself and procrastinate as much as I can to prevent me from doing (my endless pile of) assignments, television watching has commenced. Like re-runs of  Sex and the City, which is where the the title of this article came from. And I brought it upon myself to answer Carrie’s question. So here we go…


In Relationships, What are the Deal Breakers?

Every relationship has problems, even a slight little one that arises from time to time. If your relationship doesn’t have a problem or two, that’s just not normal. Or just really weird. Anyway, those problems are the little nit-picking ones like the annoying way he chews his food or his issue with your fidgeting whenever you sit down. There’s always something, but you overlook it because you love the person and realise that you’re not Miss/Mr Perfect of Perfectland.

But what about the BIG problems, the ones that just won’t go away? The ones you can’t overlook or even begin to forget because they lead you to feel differently about that person, or made you never trust them again? Or that they treated you so badly that you just couldn’t tolerate it anymore?

However, these BIG problems are different to everyone; what one person defines as the ultimate deal breakers, the other person may easily be able to disregard and forget.

Whilst watching the first episode of Made In Chelsea season 5 on Monday, my friend and I were shocked at the Spencer and Louise situation. The guy has cheated on her numerous times, makes her cry practically every episode, patronises her, acts like she’s in the wrong, and basically treats her like a mug that is around solely for him to control. He reluctantly admits to his cheating escapades- but only once he has been confronted by other people and the truth has been blabbed to Louise. Yet he goes around declaring that everyone should help him cover up his little affairs, and Louise still claims to trust him completely. Even the other cast members were confused.

Her nonchalant attitude to his shenanigans is what gobsmacked us the most. Obviously, each to their own, Louise might be fine with being Spencer’s doormat. But if he’s allowed to get away with being LIKE THAT, to what extent would he have to reach for Louise to be like “Bye bye Spence, it’s been fun.”

I understand it’s difficult to walk away if you love someone, no matter what they did. I understand that it’s hard to finally reach that eureka moment and say to yourself “What am I doing?”. I also understand that everyone has their limits and lines and if you reach that limit and cross that line then that’s it- but what point IS that limit for everyone?

Another friend of mine has recently got out of a relationship she has been in for two years. She has stayed with him through cheating, abusive comments and aggressive behaviour. She always took him back, she always gave as good as she got, but she always felt worthless after. The final straw came last week- he was always promising her this, that, countless surprises, but last week he promised the real deal. The best surprise ever, maybe the best of her life, she was gonna LOVE it. Anyway, her hopes high and a big smile on her face, she left work that evening to go to his house. Whilst driving, she gets a call “Babe, pick me up some McD’s on your way”, he had been out all day and she couldn’t understand why he couldn’t have got it himself. They started arguing, and now questioning his surprise, she demanded he told her on the phone.

She received a picture.

The ‘surprise’ for her was that he got a tattoo on his chest of a paw print that said ‘follow me’ next to it, a trail of paw prints underneath that leading to his unmentionables. As you can imagine, she was thrilled. This was her breaking point, and she dumped him on the top on the phone. She’d had enough of him.

A male friend of mine was dating a girl for just over a year. He was mad about her, literally, I think if he’d have saved enough money she would have got the engagement ring within the month. It all seemed very perfect, both seemed very happy. Then THE NEWS came. That bad news you hear about that couple that you never thought you would hear. She’d been cheating on him. with his first cousin, who was like a brother to him. Naturally, he forgives her and stops talking to said cousin. They get back together. It’s awkward at first but soon long forgotten. All seems perfect again. Few months later I see him out, we’re chatting away when-

Me: “How’s (girlfriends name)? Where is she tonight?”

Him: “Oh… erm, we broke up. Well I dumped her”

Me: (genuinely confused) “Oh, well…I’m sorry.”

Turns out they’d gone out for her sister’s birthday and he found her getting with some other guy outside in the smoking area. “She tried to say she was drunk but she’d only had two drinks” he told me sadly. Eventually she admitted her soberness, but by this point she had been dumped and he was seeing someone else.

So, my point is- What ARE the  deal breakers of relationships? At what point is enough really enough for people? Do deal breakers only come after a significant amount of second chances, given to someone many times because you love them? And why are deal breakers different for everyone?

And my answer is- Deal breakers depend on your relationship, and on you. They happen when you can’t tolerate whatever the person does anymore or they have done something unforgivable. Sometimes people need a number of things to happen before they have had enough, most of the time people try to make the best of a bad thing or forgive and forget. Deal breakers are different for everyone because we all have different opinions on how our relationships to work, and sometimes, when people claim to have the same perception of a situation, what they would REALLY do in that position will not come out until they are faced with that situation.

*Disclaimer: Question is from Sex and the City S.3 ep.5 ‘No If’s, Ands Or Butts’

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