Do I really want a bikini body that bad?!

So summer is fast approaching and like everyone, the thought of getting into a bikini isn’t a nice one. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t fill me with horror but I’m not exactly Michelle Keegan or Sam Faiers (notice how they’ve both been out with the one and only, Mark Wright) but I suppose the majority of women in the UK aren’t like these 2 stunners (especially Lauren Goodger).

I joined my local gym in Nottingham with my flat mate and since January, a series of events that could only happen to me have happened. As you read more of my articles, you may notice a pattern occuring and that pattern is that Bridget Jones may as well be me. Anyway, I have created a list of 5 things to warn non-gym-goers of things that happen at the gym. Before I went, I believed gyms to be full of fit and healthy people minding their own business as we all reach ultimate fitness with a glowing shine to our face. The reality is that if you’ve never had breathing problems before, you will, you smell, you’re red, your top is wet with sweat and you look like a complete idiot trying to run faster than the beyonce lookalike on the treadmill next to you. Not to mention the sight of you in lycra jogging pants.


1. Firstly, there is an area in the gym where no female enters. There isn’t a sign or anything but its just a known fact. The weights. This is a space alloacted to vain men, too big that they have to side step through doors, and more orange than a tangerine thats been ripening on your nans window sill since easter weekend. They make these really weird noises sort of like grunts and I don’t mean the type of grunt that a chavvy little boy would use to communicate with someone, but rather a noise so loud that resembles a lion roaring. Instead its a man old enough to be your dad, lifting a weight. Perrrlease. If a girl does enter this area, all girls in the gym instantly sneer at her… I mean she’s obviously an attention seeker. Once when I looked over I saw a weed sitting on a machine wearing a hat which can only be described as a ‘dappy hat’ (yes I know, Why was he wearing a hat in a gym in April?)… Anyway I was amazed at this species – number one why the matching nike tracksuit? 2, why the hat? and 3, how on earth would he lift a can of beans let alone a weight. Mesmorised I decided I had to watch him before he self combusted under the machine, however my eye contact was taken the wrong way. He smiled. He winked. He lifted a weight. I cringed. I looked away. I went on another machine.


2. Water bottles are dangerous. End of. I have experienced the dangers of these plastics weapons several times. For instance once on the treadmill, I saw a barbie doll drinking out of her bottle which reminded me of my thirst. Oh no, this was not simple. Instead the water spilt all down me making me look even sweatier than I already was and then when I started wiping my chin, I realised I looked as if I was wiping my sweat away. (The type of people I give evils too and think pukey thoughts in my mind) Great. As if it couldn’t get any worse, my flatmate had decided to freeze her water… MMM nice cold water. No. She opened it. It exploded. It exploded all over Mr rich guy who only goes to the gym to watch girls. He was not happy and neither was his Lacoste sports gear and neither were the gym team at the fact that walking on the treadmill now resembled walking in the rain. It was refreshing though.


3. The changing rooms are interesting. I see myself to be a mature, sophisticated young women but no, who knew changing rooms could turn you into a 7 year old giggling little boy. You’d think after the first one it wouldn’t be funny but it is. (Its possibly funnier). There are women with not just their boobs out, just standing there sometimes actually wandering around. They wander around! They don’t even use towels to atleast pretend they have dignity, no they just bare all. Its not the fact that its all out (well it is) its the awkwardness, the ‘where do I put my eyes’, the ‘has anyone else seen that’, the ‘ew at least shave…’


4. You will also see girls that actually need a good meal rather than to be at the gym. I’m all for people toning up and wanting to bulk up but when  there are girls who are a good size 8 with curves in the right places and boobs (basically looking like a popstar) I want to pour water on their treadmill, tie their laces together and put the speed up. Work out now, yeah. There are also some girls who look like they have walked straight off of a catwalk or out of a make up demonstration in MAC. Why would you wear make up to the gym? Babe, you aren’t going to get spotted for Vogue in the gym.. The girls they won’t don’t need to work out, they just don’t eat.


5. Finally, the gym is a place for all kinds. I go to a gym which is typically for students but beware of the old and I’m not just being a 21st century youth and calling everyone over 30 old. No I mean, old as in 60 old. As in you should be knitting, dunking custard creams into your tea whilst Antiques roadshow is on the tv at full volume. Don’t get me wrong, they provide a laugh. The bum bags, the heart monitors and the cute factor at the idea of them trying to restore their youth is nice… BUT BEHOLD… then comes the lime green lycra, the sweat from their beard and then the old wrinkly flabby skin. EW.


So if the ultimate bikini body is for you, by all means join the gym but beware it isn’t as simple as you thought it might be. The gym has many hazards and for me it isn’t just the fact you have to exercise.

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