My dream Bond movie

OK, so it’s fair to say – like many others – I was thoroughly disappointed with Skyfall. I thought it was an utter snoozefest. Javier Bardem was decent enough, I suppose. But it just seemed lethargic. I used to love my Bond films. Casino Royale is the only one they’ve made with Daniel Craig that I would watch again. The James Bond I’m most familiar with is Pierce Brosnan – and although we saw Craig on a motorbike in Skyfall, the film seemed to lack the punch and panache of Tomorrow Never Dies, where we saw Brosnan riding around, with Michelle Yeoh handcuffed to his wrist. Jonathan Pryce was a great villain in the movie, as well. With the news that Skyfall’s Sam Mendes, is set to return to direct the latest Bond installment, I just wish I could see something ludicrous and fun, along the lines of:


Opening scene:

Bond wakes up next to a beautiful lady; the sun beams in through the window. A cat meanders past the bed. Bond looks at the lady, as the sun glistens off his very expensive, silver watch. He mutters something clever to her, and she laughs. He traipses to the bathroom in just a towel, when his mobile rings. Not being able to hear the caller, he goes outside (still in the towel) to the driveway, and looks at the display. Then… the house explodes, sending Bond hurtling into green shrubbery. He glances back at the house – a look of vengeance in his eyes.


A later scene:

Bond is seen at HQ, being equipped with a car that can turn into a hovercraft, a belt that can enable him to abseil up and down walls, a pen that can double up as a phone and sunglasses that can access the web. He infiltrates a suspect’s house, and (eventually) kills him by tying him up in the washing line.


An even later scene:

Bond is engaged in a one-on-one with the bad guy in a dangerous car chase. Debris and dust go flying, as the two attempt to outwit each other. Shots are fired. Maybe a glamorous assistant is in tow. There’s definitely a puncture, somewhere (I’ve now got MI: 2 in my head). The bad guy shoves Bond’s car over the mountain, and into the water…


An even later, later scene:

Bond is in his boat/car. He fires a bazooka at the bad guy’s mansion. Glass shatters everywhere. But the bad guy is still alive. Bond climbs the wreckage, and comes face-to-face with the villain – Jason Statham. There is the fight of all fights, as hero goes head-to-head with foe. Bond casually shoots a passing henchman. Then – at the very pinnacle of the fight – Bond clutches Statham by the hand, who is hanging out the window. His gaze meets Bond’s bruised, bloodied face. There is a glorious, aerial shot. Helicopters fly past. Bond looks into the distance, before Statham shouts: ‘You won’t beat me, Bond! All of this – is mine!’ Bond adjusts his shirt, and says: ‘I thought you had a hand, in all of this’, before letting go, and watching him drop several storeys. Bond then sits back – fires, smoke and sirens wailing, and casually lights a cigar.


The end.

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