A Real Man


A real man does not swear at his girlfriend when they’re arguing. He doesn’t call her fat, or ugly, or stupid. He will argue about the matter at hand, putting his point across without feeling the need to be cruel and belittling to his girlfriend.

A real man will not tell his girlfriend that she dresses like a slut, or that she is unladylike for having strong opinions. He will not storm off in a huff if she dances in a nightclub and gets a little bit drunk. He will be dancing with her, just as drunk. A real man does not date a tiger when all he really wants is a house cat. If you choose to date a woman with a voice of her own, don’t try and extinguish her flame because of some weird, stone age value you have about women being seen and not heard.

A real man will not sleep around, and then, when he finally settles, expect his lady to not have any sort of sexual past. If you want to shag your way through every nightclub in Malia all the way through your early twenties, you can’t be disappointed when you find out that your lady has had some experiences with men who are not you.

A real man will not try and control his girlfriend by telling her what to wear, who to speak to, etc. etc. He will accept that she has a life prior to, and separate from him, and that it is his privilege, not his right, to be a part of that life.

A real man will not glare around the club looking for the opportunity to beat somebody up for looking at his girlfriend in the wrong way. A real man goes out with a beautiful girl and is proud of her. He shows her off. He does not want to wrap her up in a bin bag and hide her away from the world.

However, a real man will also not allow anyone to disrespect his girl. He will stand up to anyone that makes her feel small, or intimidates her. He will not stand for his b*tchy ex-girlfriend trying to make things difficult, or for vulgar boys in clubs who try and grope her and say foul things about what they would like to do to her body. A real man will understand that no matter what us girls say, we do like the feeling of being protected.

A real man does not feel the need to drool over Cleavage Thursdays or subscribe to Twitter accounts such as I Like T*ts Daily. He only has eyes for his girlfriend, and understands that making lewd comments about other naked women is only going to hurt her and make her feel unworthy. If any ‘Lads’ do feel the need to constantly comment on other women, don’t complain when your girlfriend is hideously insecure and self-conscious. You made her that way.

A real man gives his girl no reason to doubt his fidelity. He understands that she may have been treated badly in the past, and is hesitant to set herself up for another fall, but he is patient, and shows her, not by words, but by actions, how important she is to him.

A real man does not flirt with other girls the minute his girlfriend’s back is turned. He does not text other girls, or ‘Like’ other girl’s pictures on Facebook. He would be fuming if his girlfriend was doing this, and so he doesn’t do it either. And more to the point, he doesn’t want to. He is committed to his girlfriend, and doesn’t feel the need to have anything on the side.

A real man doesn’t expect his girlfriend to act like a p*rn star. He understands that sex is the physical expression of how much you care about somebody, and is just as much about pleasuring the other person as it is about pleasuring yourself.

A real man listens to the opinions of his girlfriend and tries to understand where she is coming from, without dismissing her as a psycho or nagging girlfriend. If she tells you that abandoning her every night to play Fifa isn’t fair, she is not being unreasonable. She is saying what any other female would in her situation. And maybe it is not we ladies who are crazy. Maybe it is you gentlemen who are obtuse and thoughtless.

A real man is capable of going on a lad’s holiday and not getting with other girls. I’m currently watching Season 3 of Geordie Shore, and have the utmost respect for Jay, who is filming in Cancun for five weeks with a group of single, promiscuous guys, with nothing to do except go to beach parties and get drunk, and he hasn’t so much as looked at another girl.

A real man does not feel the need to woo his girlfriend with grand gestures every five minutes, and nor does he act completely thoughtlessly. He finds a balance in the middle somewhere. Rather than feel as though he needs to spend a fortune on Christmas and birthday presents, and buy her clichéd Pandora bracelets or dark chocolate, he buys what she likes. I’ve received horror movies, books, the sweetest letter ever and tulip petals scattered on a bed because my boyfriend didn’t have a clue that they weren’t really roses, and do you know what? I wouldn’t change any of them for the world.

A real man doesn’t feel like a “woman” if he talks about his feelings. He is not afraid to show emotion, to cry, or to tell his girlfriend how special she is to him.

A real man does not act like the big romantic behind closed doors before becoming “one of the lads” in public and acting as though he doesn’t give a rat’s arse about her.

A real man also understands that by doing these things, he won’t look “whipped” but that he will actually gain respect off other men by acting in this way. There is nothing big or clever about upsetting somebody, about lying to somebody, about flirting behind somebody’s back, about humiliating somebody, about neglecting somebody, knocking their confidence or turning her into a shell of the woman she once was.

Sadly, real men are hard to find.

  • James Wignall

    Is this meant to be a generalised masculine ideal or just a reflection of your own taste?

    I like to think of myself as, technically, a real man, but I would probably refrain from showing off my partner, and I certainly wouldn’t fight her battles as if she lacked the intellectual aptitude to do so herself

  • Robert Samuel

    There are plenty of great people of either gender out there. Unfortunately, here you just come across as bitter, undoubtedly as a result of consequences stemming from poor judgement of character. This piece just seems like a poor attempt at a riposte which will never reach its intended target, rather instead damaging a worthy feminist cause and serving to caricature gender roles.

  • Freddy

    I feel quite disappointed in this article. I read your other articles, related to certain aspects of celebrity culture, and thought of them to be brilliant pieces of writing, with some good points and analysis in them. I personally thought of you as an individual thinker.

    However, this article screams out a mass crowd thinker. You see, with the recent uprising in Feminism and feminist idealogies, it seems to me the expectation of men to be mere servants to their female counterparts is the opposite to what most “Feminists” claim they stand for. Therefore, I have come to the concluson that “Feminism” does not wish for equality, it wishes for female empowerment over males. For starters, look at the etymology of the word “Feminism”, why not call it “Equalism”? Because of this, in my opinion, “Feminism” is a moot worldview in today’s society.

    You come across as an intellectual person, and I’d love to have the opportunity to converse with you on this topic.

    Ps. Don’t give up on the writing, you’re very good at it.

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