Useful tips for online dating.

I won’t pretend to be an expert on the matter, but online dating is like window shopping; you can look but you probably can’t have. If you’re a bloke, an average of one girl in every ten will actually be interested enough to reply to your messages. If you’re a girl (and I don’t speak from personal experience here) you’re likely to have all sorts of odd bods throwing you cheesy one-liners in an attempt to hook you in for a single night of passion. These facts alone could leave you feeling disheartened and push you towards deleting your dating profile, but then you would be violating rule number one.

Rule number one is this: don’t give up. “Easier said than done,” you might say. Wrong! It’s very easily done, and it takes almost no effort. Let’s say you’ve just signed up to Plenty of Fish and the first ten people you message ignore you. What do you do about this? You forget about it and message somebody else. Unless you’re a creep or you can’t spell for toffie (totally intentional there) you’re almost guaranteed to get a response at some point; likely within the first week of signing up. That isn’t a long time to wait in the grander scheme of things.

Another important rule is this: be picky about who you message. Gentlemen, I would suggest that you refrain from messaging girls who have ghost profiles. And when I say ghost profiles, I mean those that are virtually empty. An easy way of identifying such an anomaly is when a profile consists of a few pictures of cleavage and a description which reads: “If you want to know anything then ask me xx.” It probably isn’t worth asking them anything. Why? Because if she hasn’t taken the time to tell you a little about herself, she can’t be taking the dating malarkey seriously.

For the ladies I would suggest that you don’t bother with the guys who have an essay for a profile. You might think it’s polite to read their gargantuan biographies, but underneath that wall of text is an abundance of insecurities that almost guarantee this guy is stalker material. Two small paragraphs should be the maximum here. Additionally, men who have a library of pictures solely depicting themselves either don’t have any friends at all (unlikely) or they don’t want you to see their friends because they won’t be to introducing you to them; this means they only want one thing. Steer clear, for these shoddy excuses for ‘men’ shame us all.

The rest of it is just bread and butter and applies to members of both sexes:

-include ‘fun’ pictures of you with friends, preferably with a ridiculous grin on your face.

-be honest in your description of yourself. Although there is such a thing as too honest. It’s probably best that your possible love interests are oblivious to the fact you still pick your nose or that you actually like the smell of your own farts.

-if someone says they want to date but aren’t looking for a relationship, they’re probably telling a little white lie. They want a relationship really.

-nude or semi-nude pictures scream “fake profile,” or worse, “sex pest.”

-messaging comes in stages: talk for a week, ask for facebook, ask for snapchat and then request mobile number. Asking for someone’s number straight away is unlikely to bring you any success. Stick with this safe routine and you will shine.

These tips mostly apply to the use of dedicated dating websites. If all this seems too much then you can always use Tinder. Now that’s a whole different kettle of fish!

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