The Bling Ring, based off the Vanity Fair article by Nancy Jo Sales called “The Suspects Wore Louboutins”, which was, in turn, about the real-crime events of teenagers in California deciding to rob some celebrities they really liked because you know, house parties are just whatever, and oh yeah, fuck homework.
Bling Ringleader Rachel Lee was a middle-class kid that masterminded robbing the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Bilson, and Orlando Bloom besides others without breaking a moral sweat. Although mastermind might be too deviously misleading a word for what was basically using Google Search to find out where Audrina Patridge was going to be for the weekend and then getting driving directions to her home address. The celebrities Lee and cohorts stole from in 2008-2009 comprise a partial chart of those particularly successful at playing the fame game in those years. Paris Hilton still received buzz for being the clueless rich person we all love to hate-watch, Lindsay Lohan off the rails was upsetting white people everywhere, and Rachel Bilson knew how to dress in public. But this is 2013 and I would not be caught dead robbing Paris Hilton.
I believe that who you rob says a lot about you as a person. Rachel Lee obviously liked fashionable, fame-savvy people while my original to-rob list was more of a to-do list (Jon Hamm, Joseph Gordon-levitt, Ryan Gosling what). Disclaimer: I have not liked the Facebook page or tweeted at the following but I abide by the buzz relevancy of the anointed few decreed by the authority vested in US Weekly, TMZ, and People.
1. Miley Cyrus
Young stars want credibility in the real world. They want to break free from Disney. They rage against the machine that made them their fame and money. Kirsten Stewart and Black Flag, Miley Cyrus and black sounds. Miley playing at her ratchet image to signal a new stage of her career is like when Christina went dirty in 2002 except I am much more interested in what Miley’s buying. She does molly, plays around with French fries, and organises teddy bear synchronised dance routines so what else about her house parties do I need to know about?
2. John Mayer
Because he was once quoted in a Rolling Stone interview saying that he wanted to own an M4A1 rifle because he would have something no one else has. I want to see what his taste in women’s handbags is like. I want to steal his bulletproof vest and then steal the one he gets to replace it.
3. Emma Stone
Emma Stone looks good in everything she wears because she has a great stylist team. False. Emma Stone looks good in everything because she is genetically blessed. Girl rocks locks red, brown, and blonde, looks amazing. If Stone wore a paper bag, the paper-bag princess would only get 32% of the “Who Wore It Best” vote. I need the exact paper bag Stone wore or else it won’t have that je ne sais quois.
4. Kanye West
Kanye’s ambition makes him restless, always up to experiment and find new ways to grow as an artist. There is no doubt he has acquired high-low objects of interest e.g. Kim Kardashian. Look at what he got on Father’s Day from Kim & North, and that’s stuff he tweets about. Let’s make off with a Basquiat.
5. Lindsay Lohan
Celebrities targeted by the Bling Ring were extremely distraught to find their homes ransacked, and in Sales’s book, The Bling Ring, you get a visceral sense of how scared and distrustful they became of those around them. The one safe abode from the outside world they court is pilfered and made meaningless. It sucks, and if it wasn’t for The Canyons, I would not hit that but damn I got to. Lilo gets stashes of stuff, legally or illegally, and this would be a veritable mine of clothing and jewellery.