Stop! Are you eating FOOD? Are you having a BEVERAGE? Did you know you are consuming SUGAR? Well, yes, actually, as it’s a very basic foodstuff that is in most things. Carry on as you are.

This morning, after I happily consumed a bowl of porridge with honey (dear Lord, not another form of SUGAR?!) and a glass of fruit juice, I was offered a side of fear with my breakfast. Apparently even with a new Pope elected, the NHS deciding not to keep schtum and an exciting library story, leaving viewers with a rumbling stomach was the top priority of the day. According to ‘some doctors’, sugar is an evil, toxic substance that should be taxed in order for the general public to understand the real danger of innocently juicing an orange. What absolute nonsense.

I can’t speak for everyone, obviously, but for those of us who actually went to school and live in the real world, I believe it’s pretty common knowledge that sugar is added into some foods to make it taste better (and be more addictive, therefore sell more product), and it occurs naturally in pretty much everything, even if it isn’t concentrated and hiding behind a bush just waiting to attack you when you least expect it. But some people aren’t blessed with the ability to read. Some people don’t understand traffic light labelling and dumbed-down food warnings with big, screaming red segments of a pie chart telling you you’re about to consume a million percent of your recommended daily sugar intake. We need to be told whilst we’re enjoying the most important meal of the day that we’re living wrong and we need to stop it or the BBC will be very unhappy with us.

What the report forgot to mention was that actually the average viewer who, like me, was enjoying a balanced breakfast that will keep them from being a miserable git all day, isn’t really dieing a painful but sweet death. We’re just fine, actually. We try to eat our five-a-day (and give ourselves a mental high-five when we achieve that Holy Grail), drink water and stick some green stuff next to the food we like. We use stairs, walk to work (sometimes) and get enough sleep. We know about it when we’re doing something wrong because we’re grumpy and our eyes don’t want to stay open or we get out of breath after jogging for the bus. And any extra information we need to know about food is available for us on labels, shoved down our throats in school and readily available on the Internet. We know there’s the NHS website to have a peruse of. Just leave us alone and let us enjoy our glass of concentrated, with added sugar and sweeteners, apple juice with our synthetic jam on white toast. We’re fine.

I should note that I also enjoyed a two-tiered slice of chocolate birthday cake whilst watching this hideous report. It was delicious.