The Happening is a 2008 film starring Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel, directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Also, written by M. Night Shyamalan. Also, the idea was possibly delivered to M. Night Shyamalan via a particularly vivid cheese dream.

First of all, I must apologise if today’s movie review is somewhat dispassionate. I’m afraid that watching “The Happening”, as a life event, ranks up there with “Baby’s first leg cramp” and “That one time I got drunk and threw up in front of my grandparents”.

I should also warn you; I can’t really remember many details of “The Happening”. You know how some people believe that we don’t remember our own birth because to remember would be too traumatic? Yeah. I think that’s what happened with me and this film.

For those of your who are interested, here is a short summery of “The Happening”; Mark and Zooey are a professional married couple living in New York. The movie begins with a shocking discovery featured in the newspaper – All the bees have disappeared! Ahh, yes, it’s that old story. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love, bees disappear. I think Shakespeare wrote something along the same lines.

Anyway, the bees disappear. Nobody really thinks much of it, until the people of New York begin to act strangely. Otherwise sane citizens start to display suicidal tendencies, talking nonsense and throwing themselves out of the windows of their tastefully decorated apartments. It’s up to Mark and Zooey to traverse… Some fields, apparently, in order to escape the city and find out just what the M. Night Shyamalan is going on here!

Now, if you’re planning on watching this movie at any point, I advise you to stop reading here, as we’re heading into spoiler-town. Although, to be honest, you would be better off just reading the rest of this article. It will be more entertaining and won’t take as long.

So, just what is it that’s causing these hundreds of people to throw themselves out of buildings (Other than the fact that they just found out that they’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie)? Drum roll please!

It’s the trees.

Mark Wahlberg imitating a person watching “The Happening”

Yes, this whole movie is a clumsy, ham-fisted attempt at an environmental statement. Turns out that the trees are annoyed because of all the ways in which mankind is violating Mother Earth so they decided to release a spore that alters the chemicals in a persons brain and makes them act all goofy. Then, just as suddenly as it all started, it stops again. I’m not sure if the trees ran out of spores or they just got sick of seeing Zooey Deschanel attempting to act, but whichever it is the movie ends with everything going back to normal; Except for the cliffhanger – If we continue to pollute the Earth, will the trees strike again?

So, I bet you’re all wondering – Celia, should I watch this movie?

Well, my answer is, watch it if you want to, but go into it with your eyes open. This is not going to be a good movie. It’s not even one of those bad movies where it’s so bad that it’s kind of funny and you can have a good laugh at it. It’s 91 minutes of Zooey, Mark and some kid running from THE WIND. Oh, did I mention there was a kid? I probably forgot because she has no relevance to the plot and I can’t even remember where she came from in the first place.

Moral of the story: Those with hayfever will be the first to go.