Friendzoning, and How Not to Do It

Now, you probably clicked on this article expecting to read an article consisting of myself, much like the rest of the Internet, it seems, complaining about how I have been “friendzoned”. Unfortunately, this is not the case (Or fortunately, I suppose). Instead, i’m going to do what I do best. Yes, I am going to complain about a phenomenon in popular culture that I could easily avoid just by doing anything except surf the Internet. However, as that is something I am just not prepared to do, complaining is well and truly on today’s menu.

“Friendzoning” can be defined as a word or phrase, depending on how you want to spell it, describing the sensation of being romantically rejected by a love interest, with the excuse given being “I think we should just be friends”, “I only like you as a friend”, or some such similar variant. In recent years, the phrase “frienzoning” has exploded in popularity, being the go-to nasal cry of the nerdy and socially awkward everywhere.

But Celia! I hear you cry. You are nerdy and socially awkward as the best of them! Surely you should be jumping on this particular band wagon with both flat feet! Just be careful you don’t get over exerted with all that jumping, and be careful your glasses don’t fall off in the process…

Well, quite honestly, no. The truth is, I have not yet spoken to any girl who has found friendzoning anything but irritating, and in some cases, kind of insulting. After all, the main jist of the friendzoning fad is that girls reject nice, intelligent and sensitive lads in order to persue the cheap, loud, rich and good looking. The one criticism that immediately comes to mind has to be…

Um. Haven’t guys been doing exactly the same thing for years?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a militant girl-power kind of lady, but having studied Psychology for four years it’s evident that men prefer young, beautiful women over old ugly hags. Hell, people in general prefer dating the young and beautiful. I spent years as a young teenager being rejected by boys in favour of better looking and, erm, more physcially developed girls, but never once did I blame this on the fact that I was “Too nice, and -insert gender here- don’t go for nice people”. I blamed it on the fact that I had a mono brow and basically looked like a partially waxed baby bear. I wouldn’t have wanted to date me back then either.

Let’s have a little role play. You’re a boy, and you’re in love with a girl (I know, it’s hard to follow, but keep up). You’re incredibly nice to the girl, very polite, paint her toenails, do all of that kind of crap, and one day, you decide to tell her how you feel…

MINDY: Boy, that sure was a fun movie! We should go and see another one next week!

BOBBY: Sure, Mindy! That really was swell! Um, Mindy?

MINDY: Yes, Billy?

BOBBY: Bobby.

MINDY: Yes, Brandon?

BOBBY: Um, well, I really like you Mindy! I think you’re a great girl!

MINDY: Well, thanks Bobby! I really like you too! As a friend!

BOBBY: -Starts crying, runs away and posts 50 pictures on 9Gag about getting friendzoned-

Now let me tell you something. Bobby, and all of the friends he told, would probably think that Mindy was unbearably stupid and didn’t know a good thing when she saw it. Bobby got ignored because he was too nice, and girls only go after bad guys who have cars and don’t call them for weeks on end. Bobby, ladies and gentlemen, IS A MORON.

I can't believe Katy dumped me for someone better looking and nicer!

“Katy friendzoned me! I can’t believe it! I’m going to stop being nice to her now because I know that there’s no chance of us having sex!” – Every friendzoned guy ever.

And i’m not talking about all guys. In fact, girls are guilty of the same thing. 99% of the male population is completely innocent and not a complete Bobby, but i’m afraid that a small percentage are ruining it for the rest of you. The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, that Mindy knew. Mindy knew that Bobby had the hots for her all along. Most of us do. I mean, we, as girls, spend half of our lives trying to appear attractive to the opposite sex, so we’re going to notice if it’s worked. Sadly, Mindy just didn’t feel the same way, and so decided to let him down gently rather than telling Bobby that she didn’t find him physically attractive and frankly he creeps her out a little bit.

It goes both ways. If little 14 year old shaved bear Celia Dineley came up to you (Well, rolled, back then) and told you that she was in love with you, you probably wouldn’t be that chuffed either. I could have been as nice as I liked, but a bear is a bear, even if you dress it up in one of those cute little dresses like they used to do in the circus. Okay, i’ve kind of lost my point somewhere along the way, but i’m hoping you get the main point of what i’m trying to say.

Everybody gets rejected, and if you think that it’s because you’re being too nice, then you’re obviously going for the wrong girls. If you’re going for some super-mega-foxy-hot babe who only cares about cars and money and is used to dating super-mega-foxy-hot dudes who like to give her cars and money, you’re probably not going to get very far. Go for someone like minded. If you’re a Bobby, go for a Roberta. Although, maybe not. I would hate to see the Facebook feed fallout after that break-up…

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