Choose Your Christmas Presents Wisely

I heard Christmas ‘is the season to be jolly’, so if that is the case surely people should be running from relationships, not seeking them. Just kidding. Relationships can be wonderful, I mean who doesn’t want a personal victim that you can hurl abuse at whenever you fancy, all because well… you can. Once someone agrees to be in a relationship with you that’s it, they’re trapped, they have to put up with all the cracks that are starting to emerge ever since you made it official, because no one wants to have been known as having one of those ‘sad three week relationships’. Guilty.

Instead of addressing the pros of relationships, which there are many of, it’s simply more enjoyable to discuss the cons, so here are the top five reasons why you should stay single around the Christmas period:

1. There are other ways to mask the COLD weather! Snow, wind, rain or freezing temperatures doesn’t mean you need someone to snuggle up to at night- all that is going to get you is an extra person snoring in the bed. It means you need to turn your heating up and probably invest in a scarf and hat- I see girls wearing hats in clubs these days, accompanied only by hot pants and a vest top so wearing your hat in the house is perfectly acceptable, and a lot easier to take care of than a human radiator.

2. Christmas is about GIVING? If you’re male and appreciate receiving gifts more than giving them then don’t even think about looking for a partner. Females have this annoying little habit of stealing all their mans garments, jumpers, tops even boxers all because they are ‘comfy’. They may be comfy, but 95 per cent of the time ladies they do absolutely nothing for you, except make you look two stone heavier.

3. You get FAT. Relationships make you fat anyway, I’m pretty sure this is a well known statistic without me having to find any factual information to actually back this up… With Christmas approaching there is already the added temptation of food EVERYWHERE, without you and your partner constantly egging each other on to have one more chocolate. Remember men are required to intake 400 calories more than a woman per day to maintain stability… not because they are challenging women to eat as much as them.

4. You become far less ATTRACTIVE. People just tend to let themselves go… unless you’re in fact pushing above your weight in the first place, then unfortunately you always have to stay in prestige condition to avoid the risk of being ditched. Elsewhere, women start wearing less make up, and despite their partner previously telling them ‘you look so much better without make up’… they soon begin to regret that statement. However, a woman’s fresh face is always better than a man who has given up on the concept of shaving altogether. It may be the season of good will but that doesn’t mean people want to date the local homeless man… or his lookalike.

5. It’s EXPENSIVE. Lets be honest, anyone who has actively chosen to get in a relationship close to Christmas will never own their own successful business. Ok, huge and (probably) inaccurate assumption, but realistically Christmas is an expensive time and most of us have enough pointless presents to give to people we hardly ever see, without adding another person to the list. If you want a relationship that much wait until Boxing Day, because at least then even if your partner still insists on a present, you have all the sales.

It is also important to remember that if you meet the partner of your dreams any time soon you will be experiencing ‘the honey moon’ period with them, meaning even if they are a mini Hitler they will probably be on their best behaviour, cunningly pretending to be the latest Florence Nightingale. Give it a month and you will probably start to see them for the Devil they really are, but because it’s winter you hold the cold weather responsible for your new found misery trying your hardest to delude yourself that you are in a happy loving relationship.

So before you embark on your quest to find a winter/Christmas partner you should know, a girlfriend/boyfriend is for life, not just for Christmas. Although Rita Ora will probably tell you different.

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