So, here we are then; the final furlong, the home straight, injury time, the final showdown. Questions will be answered, sexes will be confirmed, and names shall be picked out of fruit bowls. This is the moment that we have been waiting for. No, not peace in the Middle East, pur-lease, change the record. This is it; the great Kate versus Kim baby-off has entered its final phase.

William and Kan…Kan…Kanyay? Whoever, the world will have two more fathers within the next few weeks as the world hangs on tenterhooks waiting to find out a brace of genders, names, and for reasons I don’t understand, weights.

The British monarchy is set to have a new heir to the throne. The offspring of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will one day be our Head of State. The child will, doubtlessly, be given a more traditional and regal name, like George or Araminta. But what of the Duke and Duchess of Rubbish? Kim and Kanye will be tasked with choosing a name, and I fear the worst. Where will the inspiration come from? A pharmacy? A paint brochure? Special K cereal perhaps? I think we can all agree that Leyla is out of the question…

At the time of going to press, I am reading Tweets that the two monarchs of E! have welcomed a baby girl. So before the name becomes official I will just say that I feel so, so sorry for her. She will be forced to live with a name that starts with a “K” and then be raised in the public eye, dressed in horrific clothes, and be groomed to take the helm of perhaps the worst family franchise in the history of the human race.

Meanwhile, in London, poor baby Cambridge isn’t even out of the womb and is already deeply unpopular with the socialists and republicans. He or she will have to grow up knowing that they will one day be handed the keys to Buck house, and that through no fault of his or her own, will be detested by many for purely being from the House of Windsor.

I like the monarchy; I find them quaint and amusing. I also appreciate how much the Queen does to open foreign ties and strengthen international relations. Whenever there is a brush with trouble, stick Liz on the next BA flight and she’ll calm them down. You only have to look at her visit to Ireland a couple of years ago, that was huge. The boost provided by tourism is also a healthy facet. Yes they cost us a bit in tax but I think it is worth it.

However, I despise the Kardashian’s. What do they give Mother Earth; apart from a headache? For me they summarise everything that is wrong with the world. They sell Tweets for thousands; put their face on everything from caviar to ear buds. They don’t work. They don’t need to. Their empire is so vast that the only hard work they have to endure is shouting at the 500-strong PR team who have accidentally used Khloe-brand eye-liner of Kim’s knee.

So here we have two babies; one a future Head of State who will have to work hard to keep international ties healthy, whether the hippies like it or not. And another who will spend her adult life in bikinis in magazines. So which of the two do you reckon will be more respected and get the most attention.

I know the answer, and I feel sick.