My God! What have I done?!

Oh my God! What have I done?! I can’t believe what a massive step I have just taken, I mean; did I think it all through? This is huge and I am now tied in for the long term. But I can’t stop asking myself the question of whether or not I have made the right choice. This is just too much.

Within the last month I have resigned from my job with nothing yet lined up to move on to, got married, and am moving from my humble dwelling in Al Ain to a sky-rise in Abu Dhabi. It may, then, come as a surprise to you that none of this has fazed me in the slightest. Each of these gigantic milestones in my life pale into insignificance (sorry, Mrs. Fullard) when put alongside the bold decision I was forced to make but days ago.

Perhaps a back-story will suffice. While my very beautiful and intelligent wife and I were honeymooning in the Italian lakes, we decided that we would partake in a spot of boating. I’ve always been cautious around vehicles that require nature as a means of propulsion, and sure enough Old Father Wind turned us upside down and into the water we went. On the face of it all was well, but I hit the panic button when I realised that, beneath my seemingly useless – and totally misleading – wetsuit, my trusty Blackberry was in my shorts pocket.

Once we made it back to shore my worst fears were confirmed; Blackberry was dead. I tried to revive it with a hairdryer, and then a bag of rice. But, alas, her number was up and she has now been confined to the chronicles of history.

After the wake, my wife suggested that I get an iPhone. She said that for someone like me who is now looking for journalism work, it would be a wise investment. At first I scoffed at the idea. It’s not that I hate the iPhone; I just hate the culture that goes with it. People sit around discussing – no, grunting – something called “Apps” that seemingly offer the human race very little return. What model you have classifies you, choosing the wrong one could be costly on the social battlefield.

Eventually I decided that perhaps an iPhone was a sound investment, but I refused point blank to get a new one. I trawled the back streets looking for something called a “4” but was told this was the modern-day equivalent of the traction engine. My search was then steered towards something else called a “4s”, which despite its misleading plural appearance is still indeed only one phone. This, I was informed, was a massive step up from its predecessor but already obsolete after having been on sale for 12 minutes. Still, I liked it. Until the charlatan told me it was as much as a new one.

But that’s the snag. I accept that the purpose of any business is to make money. Without it then what would be the point? Apple has, with the latest version of the iPhone, decided to change all the charger connections and other stuff that I couldn’t quite care less about. With this in mind I was forced into a corner; I had little alternative other than to take the plunge and actually buy a brand new iPhone 5. This is the first brand new phone I have purchased in six years.

I am forever hearing people babble on about iNonsense, and when I read reviews about iPhones they are all written by those who are a little too loyal to the brand for comfort. They know what they’re talking about, I’m sure, but do they not realise that the regular public, like me, haven’t a clue what all their mad abbreviations and hieroglyphs mean? Being new to the scene I think I am in a very strong position to give an honest and clear appraisal to those who are considering joining the iClub.

Don’t be afraid. It will ruin your life. But my God is it good.

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