Let’s Get This Straight: I’m Not

So here’s life as I had planned it from I was nothing but a little foetus: be birthed, grow up, get a job, get a wife, have children, die.

As it so happens, it’s not going to work out quite so clean cut. Some, let’s call them fanatical heterosexuals, would say I did the first two steps wrong, which is why I’m destined to burn in the fiery depths of hell. I know, awkward. Personally I feel like I did the first two steps really right. I mean, I’m fantastic, no?

Thankfully, with the passing of time and the progression of society, we are no longer seen as creatures of the underworld who should be sentenced to death by stoning. Cheers Leviticus, you a**hole.

Here’s some science for any of you who don’t know how you come to be gay. As a foetus (two foetus references in 100 words, impressive), my tiny, unformed body had an internal holocaust on a good 50% of my ‘normal’ male tendencies, and replaced them with fashion sense.

Honestly though, it is just something you’re born as. I know this because no straight child could ever love S Club 7 the way I did.

It is however, a pretty completely sh*t thing to have to come to terms with as I’ve come to realise this past year. All years previous to this one, I was nothing less than a master of denial. My thought process basically went something like: “I’m not gay. And even if I am, I won’t be.” Such healthy mental stability.

So on the off chance that anyone out there is struggling to come to terms with themselves, here’s a few things that I felt helped:


YouTube videos;  It is insane how many people record their lives for YouTube, and as such there are thousands of coming out videos where people tell you their experiences and how they dealt with being gay. If anything, it’s just nice to know that you’re not the only one out there.


Tell a close friend first; if they’re actually your friend then they’re going to be supportive and you shouldn’t have any worries. If you are worried though, do it whilst drunk. I was warned off doing it whilst smashed, but drunk me didn’t care and became a massive mouth.  Intoxicated people are the friendliest people in the world, so coming out to one is pretty much the same as telling them you like pizza, it doesn’t remotely affect their life but they’re happy to know, because, you know, they’re drunk.


Music; the recent explosion of self-acceptance songs that have been released is crazy, but also really comforting. From Sara Bareilles’ Brave, to Mary Lambert’s She Keeps Me Warm and Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger, these songs are about being happy with the person that you are and the importance of being you.


Oh no, this has gotten deep, QUICK make a joke: How do five gay men walk? One Direction.


It’s important to note however that not everyone has a smooth coming out process, and some face criticism and lack support from people who they may need it from the most. The only way to avoid that is to come out only when you’re totally ready. If there seems to be a chance that you won’t gain acceptance from your parents, then they don’t need to know until you’re financially independent, and after that it’s their problem to deal with in their own time, whilst you’re off living the high life as a (clearly) more evolved member of society.

I mean, if it wasn’t for us gays, the world’s population would have already reached dangerous levels and we would probably all have to resort to cannibalism or adopt china’s one child policy. You’re welcome, earth.

Final words: You can’t not like gays. Why? Because Ellen DeGeneres, Sheldon Cooper, Barney Stinson.

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