Casual sex for women – empowering or heartbreaking?

It’s a common conception that a man who sleeps with lots of women is a ‘lad’, and that a woman who sleeps with lots of men is seen as a ‘slut’ and deserves to be branded as one. This stereotypical, unfair and frankly sexist view is common among society, however the reality is that some women choose to put themselves in this situation.

‘Friends with benefits’ or ‘no strings attached’ sex has become highly popular among young people, and even some older. The fact that it’s easier to talk about sex openly now than it ever has been means that people aren’t so afraid to ask for what they want. Not to mention that women are now just as powerful as men and aren’t seen as just housewives any more.

Whether it’s a one-time or a monthly thing, you have the choice to sleep with someone without the emotional attachment, no labels, no commitment and no bother. This might sound perfect for people who have had bad experiences with relationships or hardly any sexual experiences, different people have different reasons for taking part in one of these arrangements.

So is it possible to enter a sexual relationship without any emotional attachment at all? I can speak for most, if not all women when I say it’s hard to not think about someone in a romantic way once you’ve had sex with them. It’s almost biological, we physically can’t help it. Even when he might not be the most charming or funny guy, you still look past all the negatives and focus on what attracted you to him in the first place.

It’s hard to not think about what this person would be like as a boyfriend. The sex itself can even make you think that way, if he cuddles you or play fights with you, it’s hard to not fall for these boyfriend like characteristics.

The women who find it possible to have casual sex with a man or have one night stands without getting emotionally attached have a skill I seriously envy.

Being in University, it wasn’t hard to find girls who were in this situation. Carly, aged 19 has had more one night stands than most, and has male friends that she sees as ‘friends with benefits’, and has no issue with the emotional side of things.

”I’ve had bad experiences in the past with getting too attached to people who mess you around, and quite frankly I haven’t got the time for a proper relationship and to be honest I don’t really want one in University.”

”These guys are looking for the same thing as me, we do it purely for fun and I don’t see a problem with that.”

Like most women I’m sure, I am a professional at over thinking everything that can possibly be over thought. I’m not the most confident of women, I’m more used to dancing awkwardly while my friends get chatted up and brought drinks in night clubs, so when a guy does talk to me, as long as he’s fairly average looking and can hold a conversation, I’m not particularly fussy. That isn’t to say I’ll go home with just anyone, until recently I’d never even kissed a guy I’d only just met in a club.

Having just started University last year, I knew this sort of thing went on, but personally I thought It’d never happen to me or I’d never let myself get in that situation. I’m not a prude, I just innocently thought no guy would ever want to try it on with me. So when the situation arose in a club when a fairly average guy started to dance with me and asked me to go outside with him, I foolishly agreed.

It wasn’t that this guy was too pushy or forceful, he slyly asked me back to his and I openly agreed. We shared an interest in classic Disney films, cheesy 90’s music and a love of David Attenborough. He promised me we would watch the latest episode of Attenborough’s ‘Africa’ on his laptop and who was I to say no? I felt like I needed some adventure and new experience as I’ve always been the well behaved, innocent one.

I won’t go into the gory details but all in all there I lost my one-night-stand-virginity. I also lost the smokescreen in my mind that underneath the bravado all men are actually lovely, kind gentlemen. I wasn’t naive enough to believe this guy would ask me to be his girlfriend within 5 days, however I was vulnerable enough to believe he actually liked me and would at least add me on Facebook, having failed to ask for my number when he walked me halfway home the morning after.

Not being the prettiest flower in the garden, or the skinniest latte on the menu it was flattering that someone I didn’t know wanted to be physically intimate with me. When he didn’t contact me in anyway, and I’d managed to stalk every profile of social media he owned, It took me about 5 days to realise that he didn’t actually want to marry me and didn’t give two flying monkeys about me. It honestly made my heart ache and I felt truly disappointed that I’d let someone make me feel like that.

I realise now that that’s what some people do. They don’t mean to hurt us, to these guys, sex is just for fun, or maybe to increase their numbers or just to get some experience. I’ve used it as a learning curve, I will never have a one night stand again. I’m not saying it’s wrong, I’m just too much of a sensitive soul to handle it when he doesn’t wake me up with a bunch of flowers and an engagement ring.

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