Like everyone, I always like to be the first one to try and stick my nose in and help my friends (or anyone for that matter) by giving my two cents on an aspect of their life that they need some nice friendly advice on. And you know what? I’m pretty damn good at it! Just call me Agony Aunt Dani Cooper…
“I’m having trouble with my boyfriend”, “I’ve got no money”, “Should I buy this top? I don’t know if I could pull it off” and so on! I’ve always got an opinion on these day-to-day life ‘crisis”. Must be the journalist in me.
Not to blow my own trumpet, but I can be pretty good on the ol’ advice front, I mean if there was an Oscar for who gives the best advice I’d be very surprised if I didn’t win! Ok ok, nominated at least? Just wish I could bloody take my own advice. So without further ado, here are ten pieces of advice I can ALWAYS give, but NEVER take:
1. “I just wanna do anything I can to keep him happy, but am I really happy?”
If you read my article “And what’s so wrong with being independent?” you’ll know exactly how I feel on this issue, but here’s a little recap: I never think it’s ok to substitute your own happiness for that of someone else’s because we can all be independent. I gave all this “I’m a strong woman who don’t need no man” malarkey, which I’m sure a lot of us girls try and project onto the world. In all honesty I want nothing more than to fall in love, and the truth is I have absolutely no idea how much of my happiness I would give up to keep the one I loved happy. I’d like to think none, but we will just have to wait and see!
2. “Oh my God I’ve gotten so chubby, I need to stop eating!”
On paper the solution to this seems pretty simple: STOP EATING LIKE A PIG AND GO FOR A JOG. Yes, very easy to say. Not that I’d say it quite like this, probably more like “ahh if you want to lose some weight just control your portions and do more exercise”, but I tell ya, when it comes to me being the one who wants to shed a few pounds, I sit on the sofa and stuff my face with Domino’s way more than when I’m not dieting!
3. “Can I really pull off this maxi skirt?”
Love, just put the bloody skirt on, be daring, be alternative and cool. Be whatever you bloody wanna be, it’s a piece of nice clothing I’m sure it’ll look lovely… now let me quiver in my boots and check every mirror when I leave the house in this new bowler hat…
4. “OMG I’ve got a headache! Am I dying?”
A common cold? A headache? A stiff neck? All symptoms of pretty much any illness and in probably over 99% of cases a headache is just a headache, so stop worrying! Yep, for me, a lot easier said than done. I think my local walk-in surgery knows me better than the other staff members, considering I am one of the biggest hypochondriacs you will ever meet! And while I can easily tell my friends that they only have a stiff neck because they’ve slept funny, I’d secretly be convinced that I had meningitis…
5. “Jeeeez I keep drunk texting him, what is wrong with me?”
And what drives us girls to constantly drunk text those who we ‘like’? In the hope that in my intoxicated state he would suddenly like me back? No, completely ridiculous. Stop doing it you just look pathetic. But still, I can guarantee that every time I get a glass of wine down me, the phone is out. Now let me delete my sent box before I die of humiliation…
6. “I drink so much I should really stop…”
Yes you should really stop. Did you not know that alcohol is pretty bad for you and if you’re drinking the stuff every night you could see a considerable decrease in your life expectancy? And I don’t care that you’re a student, I’m a student and I’m sure the temptation of sitting in the sunshine in your student union with a pint of snakebite is a temptation easily avoided. You know where I’m sitting while writing this article? In the student union, in the sunshine with a 2 pint of snakebite…
7. “My boyfriend is being such an a*shole, what should I do?”
Is that not obvious? Dump his ass! No one deserves to be treated like a dickhead and you need to show him what he’s missing. Listen ladies, we should never let our boyfriends walk all over us. We are so much better than that and you need to show him the door if he can’t see how great you are! Saying that, I stayed with my ex a considerable amount of time after I discovered the fact that hugging me was the biggest effort ever. Hmmm…
8. “I reallllly like him, how can I make him like me back?”
Play it cool girl! Apparently boys love those who are alluring, mysterious and definitely not needy. Let him text you first, let him approach you, give off this ‘give a shit’ attitude and he will be putty in your hands. Now this would be perfect advice for me if I wasn’t so impatient and forward! I hate playing games and have a lot of love to give so if I wanna text someone, I won’t hold back. So I guess I’ll sit here and continue to be alone while Miss ImNotGoingToTextYouForTwoWeeks gets all the fellas…
9. “I have so much work to do! Effort!”
Erm do you not understand that in life, you have to work to get places, and if you don’t you will probably get crap grades and a shit job? Just get off your ass and get yourself down to the library, do some work and it’ll probably pay off! Surely that night out in Tiger Tiger can be missed if it means you’ll achieve more in life? Hmm so I’ve got a 10,000 word dissertation to write, I’m sure one night out won’t hurt? Or 20.
10. “How the heck am I so poor?”
I’ll tell you why you’re so poor; because you eat takeaways 5 nights a week, seem to have a new outfit every time I see you, have beautifully done acrylic nails, seem to go out several times a week and not to mention your iPhone which must costs a bomb in bills every month! Surely you can make some cuts? Oh wait, I’ve just described myself…
I realise that this article may be giving the total wrong impression, and you may go away thinking it’s acceptable to worry, be treated badly, act like a tit and so on. But it’s not. It is merely highlighting that I have moments of weakness and am utter shit at taking my own advice, and this is sort of a learning curve to actually take it because it is bloody good advice! But at the same time, it is understandable that it is hard to put it into practise, not just for me, but for everyone.