Have a safe flight

With summer upon us, many of you (including me) will be taking off and jetting around the world. Whether it be a teenage holiday or a family holiday, all flights are the same. That is, unless you are the Beckhams and use your private plane. Most of us however take to public flying and whilst this may often be cheap and cheerful, dear god, don’t you see some sights.


Children. Okay, yes I used to be one and yes I want to have some but haven’t you noticed that unless they are really cute, then other people’s children are very annoying. Brats. They are constantly crying and whining, or running around, or even worse standing on the chair in front of you and peering over (usually with a snotty nose).


Nervous flyers. These are usually the people that turn into the drinkers but nevertheless this will be the person with eyes as wide as 50p pieces doing breathing exercises that should only be used for festival toilets. Or aeroplane toilets.


The drinker. Usually someone that declares ‘Oh we’re on holiday’ after their 4th glass and begins singing songs and waving their arms in an over dramatic way but in slow motion. (Is it me, or do drunk people begin moving in slow motion?) Coming through border control on the way back from Spain earlier this month, a woman was still blaming her state on the fact that it was her holiday. Now it may have been her holiday if she was of Spanish origin and was visiting London. But, no. She was definitely English and on her way home.


Loud teenagers. Even though I am one, other teenagers can be very annoying. On the way back from Spain recently, a group of lads were sitting in front of me and guess what they did for the WHOLE journey… Play fight. I didn’t even think that was possible but trust me it is.


Lamb dressed as mutton air hostess. Where are the days when air hostesses had to be a certain height, weight and look like they had just walked from the MAC counter? Nowadays you always have that granny with peroxide hair, thinking she owns the place as she tells you to fasten your seatbelt and put all luggage in the overhead locker, with a grin faker than Katie Prices body.


Annoying sleepers. You know the ones. The ones who snore, the ones whose head fly from side to side and the ones who murmur in their sleep. Whether they are next to you or blocking your way to the toilet, they are very annoying.


The person who always asks to sit in the extra leg room. You know the type (usually well rounded types who think they are better than everyone else yet still fly with the public). They waltz on the plane and ask if there are any extra leg room seats or reserved seats available with their plummy accent and are then very disappointed when they are told they have to pay. If you want extra leg room, book it.


The wanderer. Whether they are holding a child which is crying (annoying in itself) or just ‘stretching their legs’, these cretins will wander up and down the aisle, smiling at you as they go. You paid for the seat not the space in the aisle.


The music listener. If I wanted to listen to music I would listen to my own. If I wanted to listen to your music, I would take a headphone. You can find yourself focusing on the buzz of their music, trying to determine the song and artist. Very irritating.


The shouting parents. Okay, so before the holiday has even started and the flight has even set off, you’ve most probably already seen parent threats, exasperated threats and even maybe the odd tug of a child’s arm. I once heard a ‘mother’ (notice how I use the term loosely) shouting ‘Don’t *$%^%%* swear at me!!’… But it was perfectly fine for her to swear at her child? I wonder how that holiday went?

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