The 7 Stages of Drunk Guy

Just because you don’t totter around in high heels and bum-flashing skirts (normally), don’t think you’re exempt from ridicule, boys. We girls get a lot of stick for being unable to handle our drink, excitement, and occasionally our bladders on a night out, but we also suffer at the hands of the male company we choose to hang out with.

After my previous damning article, the male sex was somewhat let off the hook. It seems only fair to sum up the mannish drinking habits in a similarly degrading manner. So here we have the seven deadly stages of a drunken lad, as perceived by a sober girl.


The LADS, LADS, LADS! stage:

Once arriving at the public house of choice, full of beans, the herd of males has one combined priority – to get the beers in. This is followed by a raucous gesture of appreciation to whoever’s round it was, and a, enthusiastic gesticulation to emphasise how legendary the night is going to be. This stage, if a bit loud, is typically harmless, and sets the night off in good humour.


The smart-arse stage:

After a few infusions, our lads might become a smidge over-confident in the ‘knowing stuff’ area. They have become experts in subject areas they previously ignored in conversation and are proceeding to inform anyone who will listen. They are of course correct in everything they are saying, and won’t let anyone tell them otherwise. It can become quite entertaining, observing which level of pig-headedness our fellows are willing to stretch to, to backup their totally unsupported points.


The handsome stage:

At some point, the lads will become the most attractive people in the bar and have no qualms with making this information public. I call this phenomenon the personal beer goggles, and it commences more often than not during a trip to the men’s room. The male will look in the mirror and think, ‘hey, good looking. Any lady in here would be lucky for you to hit on them!” And, boy, do they hit. The man then develops an air of arrogance which bounces off every other handsome-stage male in the vicinity, until we are left with a room packed full of Abercrombie models.


The Casanova stage:

Following on from the ‘Goddamn I’m hot’ stage, a few more drinks lead these boys to have faith in their abilities to use chat up lines and lazy pulling techniques (including the follow-her-around-for-a-while, the redundant grind and the bum-grab. Believe me guys; we go weak at the knees for all three.


The Mr Moneybags stage:

Not only do guys become the best looking in the whole venue, they also become the richest. Don’t want five tequila shots? Doesn’t matter, our lad will buy them for you anyway. Men flash the cash because apparently their funds have no limits. Some men have bottomless wallets that will buy drinks for everybody ahead of them in the queue, and sometimes even a couple of lucky girls behind them too. Everyone they fancy in the bar receives a shot as well. Can’t have the most attractive man in the whole room ignoring girls now can we! Other men aren’t so generous and only splash out on their friends. They then get angry when said friends don’t want the 5 tequilas they were so generously bought, and consequently down them all in an act of heroism.


The indestructible stage:

Of course no lad’s night would be complete without the whole macho routine. It doesn’t matter if someone hits them in the face for being an obnoxious prat, because they are invincible. ‘YOLO’ plays its part, and often our men can be seen attempting to climb the nearest, tallest object. If this fails, they can always confirm their masculinity by destroying a bus shelter or pinching a traffic cone.


The invisible stage:

Invisibility is the final stage of the drunken boy, and can have a variety of different outcomes. Being blind drunk can lead some lads to grab the nearest willing victim and violently snog their face off in the corner (and the rest), much to the enjoyment of their surround friends and smartphones. Others may use this new-found power to vomit on themselves in the corner, or barge through the crowds, leaving fights aplenty in their wake. The majority then find themselves in the nearest cheesy chips selling establishment, no longer shunning the idea of complex carbohydrates. No carbs before Marbs? Give me a break.


In the morning, the previously drunken fellow is fragile and embarrassed, not to mention poor. Any visit to the local watering hole can usually be labelled a victory by us girls if it doesn’t end in dragging home a paralytic corpse shaped male. They may be raucous, excitable and occasionally revolting, but the drunk guy always provides endless entertainment. We can’t say we don’t take advantage of ‘Mr Moneybags’ either.

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