The Spotlight hits you.

I am so scared. I am terrified that I will fail.

Those are the two sentences I am afraid to say out loud. I am terrified to admit that I don’t think I’m good enough. It is a daunting thought… can I actually do this? I’m I strong enough, am I smart enough; do I have enough guts and get go to go and get my dreams?

This is the biggest moment of my life; this is the short moment when everything changes. This is the tiny small spot on my lifeline that will define how my life will turn out. This is what will define who I am and what type of person I turn into.

I know what I want to do and who I want to be. I know exactly what sort of life I want to have but I don’t know if I can do this year. This is tough.  This time last year I was a bright-eyed 3rd year student thinking all I had to do was pass the few assignments I had. Now… now I don’t even know what type of person I am. I can see my future but I have spent so much time looking forward to what I want to achieve I have lost the ability to focus.

I see people younger than I, doing exactly what I want to do. I see people with less talent than I attempting to “have a career” in my industry and all I want to do is be better, work harder and be so much more than what people expect me to be. I want to show everyone that they can shove their predictions of how my life would turn out up their ass. The only problem… I can’t focus. I have made myself so scared of failing that when it comes down to the crunch of completing work I freeze. The only way I can describe it is stage fright. When the actor walks onto the stage for their first debut and everyone is waiting and watching for you to say your first line. The light shines in their eyes; they’re blinded for a second; just a second but it’s enough for them to realise where they are and the importance of that moment begins to sink in. They freeze. No words. No sound emits from their quivering lips, just a dry mouth. Their hands start to shake and then suddenly they are paralysed with fear. All they can do is to look hopelessly at the mother who spent hours driving them to rehearsals, spent thousands on schools and fuel the complete horror on her face when she realises it was all wasted.

I am paralysed by my fear.


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